today i’m angry

Today I am angry. It’s more like a combination of angry and sad. I am sad because I feel like my life is just slipping away and all I have to show for it is monotony, bad decisions, and lost opportunity. I am angry because I feel like I had no choice in the matter. I have spent so much of my life in misery not knowing a way out of it. I have floundered in the what-if’s, wondering what I could have and would have done differently if I had known how big the world was and that I could survive on my own. I guess they call it settling. I settled. I want to go back and do it over. You know it’s really on your mind when you dream that you woke up in a panic after realizing your life was over and you desperately wanted a re-do. I am angry at the people who stripped me of my soul, who took away my trust and safety, the ones who forced me to hurry to find the best “option”- the best escape and think there was nothing better. I just needed to survive and people who just survive don’t really live. They lose and I have lost. I feel like I have lost everything. What 30 year old looks back at the parts of their life they remember and still try to figure out where it went and hate themselves for not trying harder to see through the lies and find something better. I love my kids and I feel like a terrible mother sitting here wishing I had chosen differently. When you eat dinner at a buffet and every pot you open is tomato soup, that isn’t a choice. But you are told you have options, choices, even though they are just continually forcing one thing in your face until you are brainwashed enough to choose it and too stupid to see otherwise. Too scared to commit to a relationship with someone who isn’t vetted by “your church” because they could end up being as bad as what you grew up with so you settle for the one guy who does’t drink, doesn’t have tattoos, has a job, and is wanted by every girl at church-that MUST make him the perfect choice.
That’s where this song screams in my head. Small town kids…they only know what they see. I only knew what I was ALLOWED to see. It’s like Stockholm syndrome- you start to love the very thing that is killing you only your dying is on the inside and even those closest to you refuse to see it. Yes, I hate myself for laying on the farthest edge of my king size bed every night with both legs hanging off the side, as far away from him as I can get wishing there was someone else there to hold me and make me feel beautiful and worth it- whatever “it” is. I don’t do it on purpose. I didn’t even realize how I slept every night. It just happens that way. I didn’t get into this knowing after a decade I would feel NOTHING and want none of it.
At church, the pastor talked about how everyone left Jesus when he was crucified. But he didn’t ask Peter, James, and John why they forsook him. He asked God because God was the only one who mattered. Yes, “when my father and mother leave me, then God will take me up.” But He doesn’t hug you when your heart literally hurts inside your chest. I don’t want to depend on my husband to make me feel pretty. I don’t want to have to pretend in front of him all the time that I am have it all together. But do you know what it’s like to be around so someone who is silent 90% of the time. That means 9 out of the 10 years we have been married have been lived in silence or with my talking to the air.  I CANNOT exist with someone who is SILENT!!! I can’t read flipping minds. I feel like the only time he talks is when he is chewing me out for losing my mind over something he deems insignificant or when he is arguing about something stupid. Otherwise, I get nothing more than a few words, nods, or silence. I tell stories I want someone else to laugh at and I feel stupid halfway through when I know he isn’t listening and I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. So I take to Facebook. I post the ridiculous things my kids say, the things strangers say to me, the guys who honk at me. I get laughs from other people and HE might get on and give me the “haha” emoji. And that’s it. Life goes on in silence other than kids fighting and whining. We go to bed, have the most ridiculously lame kiss and the stupid formalities of “I love you” because if you go to bed without saying those stupid words…well, you just can’t go to bed without saying them no matter how hollow they are. I sleep half falling off the edge having the most disturbing dreams after going to sleep to the guilty for all my shortcomings, wake up, and do it all over again and somehow call that life.