the smallest substance on earth

The smallest substance on earth…
Element, molecule, atom…put away the magnifying glass and get out the microscope…on second thought, even that won’t be enough. Think smaller. Even smaller than that. Now shrink that by 1,000,000x and picture it a little smaller still. Can you see it? No? That’s my faith. Surrounded by wall after wall, inside wall after wall, and buried at the bottom of the universe and surrounded by another 100 walls. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know how it is still there, barely clinging to life, gasping for each breath but still there nonetheless. It has been trampled, drowned, starved, shocked, poked, prodded, burned, and deemed invisible but there it is. And none of it is credit to me because I gave up on faith and humanity long ago. I have spent the last countless months living on epinephrine (adrenaline for those of you non-medical backgrounds) and dragging my exhausted body out of bed every morning after a night full of nightmares, panicked, disoriented wake-ups, and spending every minute with my brain on edge waiting to fight, run, or freeze. God was somewhere in the universe helping everyone BUT me. I wondered if he even knew I existed anymore. I wanted to see hope somewhere. When I started this blog and named it “Down; not out- my journey to healing,” I did so hoping I would find hope but not really believing any healing was even possible this point. All I could see was one hurt after another as I was driven away from place after place, excommunicated by one “friend”, then another, and another. Faith wasn’t what kept propelling me forward from one day to the next, at least from what I could see. I kept going to church because it’s what you are supposed to do. I smiled because I was tired of hearing that I needed to smile more even though I was in crisis through all of it. There was no repreive, no time out, no breather, nothing. I felt blow after blow and constantly braced for the next. And people…they were all conspiring and waiting for a chance to take their shot. Even when the man I basically asked to be my dad continued to show up for me, I was still waiting for him to walk away like everyone else. Sunday after Sunday, I stood by my seat, swallowing sobs, wanting to pour out my heart to God and wishing he cared but fighting to hold my “reverent” composure. It was church, y’all, not the place you are supposed to fall apart and doubt.
inside wall after wall, buried at the bottom of the universe
Then suddenly God showed up. He came by storm, a Thundercloud to be exact. As I stood on that stage, eye closed, microphone clasped in my sweaty hands, voice trembling, and knees threatening to buckle and throw me on my face, he swept through that building and flipped the lights on and said, “Look at me. I am. RIGHT. HERE. where I have been all along.” I can’t begin to express the feeling of freedom as my hands flew into the air and reached to touch his face. There was no anger, no vindictiveness, no lightening bolts flying at me. The darkness that had veiled him and only let me see a being like my earthly father was gone for the first time in my life. Suddenly I could see how he had been by my side, pushing, prodding, and pulling me into the perfect place to meet him. The friends that had abondoned me were not meant to be. The churches that had turned a cold shoulder were just a tool to bring me to this place, to this room, to this square of carpet where he would shatter the reservations, tear down the walls. and kick in the door to my heart.
hidden away
The seeming coincidences that kept happening over the last few weeks painted a clear picture of love and healing that I had been too pained to see. “They say it only takes a little faith to move a mountain. Well good thing a little faith is all I have” were the lyrics to Mercy Me’s Even If that grabbed my heart as the song “randomly” played. My microscopic faith might be the smallest substance on earth but God sheltered it and kept it alive until the moment I was ready. Then he reached down and plucked it from the ashes and held it in his hand and breathed the life into it like only he can. I am not here because my faith is great and unshakeable. I am here…because God.
“Even If” – Mercy Me
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t
It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

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